


Leave a Light On

by ailaikannu



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Feeling loss, Lena Luthor & Maggie Sawyer Friendship, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, POV Kara Danvers, POV Lena Luthor, Protective Lena Luthor, SuperCorp, Supercorp endgame, Supergirl au, supercorp au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-01-25 14:12:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12533372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: "I have no more feelings, I don’t get happy anymore, I don’t get sad, I don’t get angry, I don’t get upset… I don’t even remember what love feels like. I know feelings in theory, but… I don’t remember how happiness feels like. I don’t know what heartbeats sound like. I don’t even remember how being upset changes me."ORAfter an incident with a substance she had never seen before, Kara loses the human skill to experience feelings. Readjusting to life might be a challenge, even harder considering how the love of her life had confessed her unconditional love a few weeks earlier.





	1. Trouble Coursing Through your Veins

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know how this happened.

Kara took her shoes off, placed her coat on the hanger, and then sat on the sofa.

She turned the tv on, and stared at the screen long enough to make her feel like she was watching the show.

She grabbed the glass that was waiting for her on the coffee table, savouring the sweet taste of wine in her mouth.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, hoping to feel something once again. Boredom and numbness were the only feelings she seemed to remember.

A strong knock on the door woke her form her state of self-loathing and she turned around to see who it was.

“I’m not home.” She said, her voice loud enough to be heard.

“So, I’m guessing you got a talking parrot to answer.”

“I did.”

“Kara, open up.” Her sister said, her voice taking a weird motherly tone. “We need to talk.”

Kara sighed, slowly getting up. She walked to the door, dragging her feet. She unlocked the door, letting her sister in.

“How are you feeling?” Alex asked.

Kara looked at her. Even her eyes looked dead. “Same as usual. I feel nothing.”

Alex hugged her, but it felt pointless on Kara’s skin. The two broke apart quickly, and Kara realized that her sister looked nervous.

“What happened?”

Alex hesitated. “With you having this issue…”

“Issue?” Kara interrupted her. “It’s not an issue. I lack emotions. I have no more feelings, I don’t get happy anymore, I don’t get sad, I don’t get angry, I don’t get upset… I don’t even remember what love feels like. I know feelings in theory, but… I don’t remember how happiness feels like. I don’t know what heartbeats sound like. I don’t even remember how being upset changes me.”

“Wrinkle.” Alex whispered.

“Yes, I do know that.” Kara commented, her voice flat. “Only because you told me.”

“We’ll find a way.”

“It’s been six months.” Kara said. The calmness in her voice made everything worse for Alex. Kara used to be warm, smiley, sometimes even annoying for how happy she was at all times. After the incident, she had turned into a lifeless vessel for the soul that was, once, her younger sister. Her voice being flat, her eyes looking lifeless, her skin feeling colder… Were all details that made Alex feel like there was no hope to get her sister back. “I don’t suppose you came here to talk to me about my lack of emotions.”

“No, I did not.” Alex replied. “What I was trying to say is that with you having this lack of emotions, I never know if something I say is going to hurt you or not.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Her sister said. “It might hurt me, but I won’t realize it, so… Just go for it. Even when I try to force myself into feeling something, it doesn’t work. I do know when something is supposed to upset me, or make me angry, or sad, I just… I can’t really feel it.”

Alex breathed hard. “Lena is back.”

Kara looked unimpressed. “She is.”

“Yes.” Her sister replied. “She got back last night.”

“Have you seen her?” Kara asked. “Talked to her?”

“I saw her at the bar. She was alone. We talked for a bit.”

“Nice.” Kara said. “Did she tell you why she’s back?”

“She didn’t really talk much, it felt like talking to you in the last six months.”

Kara didn’t flinch. “What did she say?”

Alex was taken aback by how many questions her sister was asking. In the last six months, she had gotten used to Kara being mostly silent. She replied when people asked her questions, usually with nods or a few words, but often forgot that she could initiate a conversation. She had fallen into a dark place, made of silence and numbness.

“She said running away was starting to feel pointless. And that life in Metropolis feels bland.”

“Bland. That’s a word we’ve been using a lot, lately. She was the one to decide to run away.” Kara commented. “I might have stopped feeling things, but I can still recognize when someone’s accusing me.”

Alex shook her head. “I am not accusing you.”

“I know you think it’s my fault if she went back to Metropolis.” Kara said, her voice turning slightly into an offended tone. Alex realized she might have forced her voice to change. In six months, Kara had learned when certain feelings were demanded, and would sometimes pretend to be her old self. It rarely worked, though.

“I don’t.”

“You do, and that’s okay.” Kara replied. “But you’re wrong.”

Alex got up, feeling like there was no point in lying anymore. “I am not wrong, you basically told her to go away.”

“I did not.”

“I was there, Kara.” Alex interjected. “You yelled that you couldn’t give her what she needed. You told her that you were never going to be what she wanted you to be. You said that she was better off somewhere else, where she’d find someone who could love her.”

“I never told her to leave.”

Alex closed her eyes, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You made it clear that you didn’t want her here.”

“She could have stayed.”

“Kara, she’s in love with you.” Alex sighed. “You pushed her away, forced her to leave.”

“I cared for her. I remember I did.” Kara said, lowering her eyes. “The… The notebook I kept after the incident happened, where I wrote feelings as I remembered them. I wrote how your hugs made me feel. I wrote how Lena’s smile made my heart beat faster. I wrote how thinking about Krypton made my breath hitch in my throat. But I couldn’t give her what she deserved. How could I ever be with her if all I feel is… Nothing?”

“I know.”

“Then why are you telling me this?”

“Because I think she came back for you.” Alex whispered. “I think… I think it’s time for you to tell her the truth.”


	2. Wondering Where You Are

Lena sat at her desk, looking at the glass of scotch that she had placed earlier next to her tablet. She took a long gulp, closing her eyes and she tried to forget what had forced her to go back to Metropolis.

Being back in National City made her feel a threatening mixture of emotions. She took a deep breath and walked to her balcony, feeling the cold air on her skin. For a second, she felt like nothing was wrong. The cars racing below L-Corp, the lights that made National City alive, the sounds that were vibrating around her… Everything made her feel like she was where she belonged.

She shook her head, remembering all the nights spent there with Kara. She thought about the potstickers consumed on her coffee table, the wine that made her tipsy, while Kara looked like she had been drinking soda for hours. The surprise lunches when Kara realized that Lena was often too busy to remember that she needed to eat. The night when Kara had told her that she was Supergirl. Their first kiss and how her heartbeat had gone from normal to louder than every sound in National City.

Where was Kara? What was she doing? How was she feeling? Had she forgotten her?

Lena wondered if Kara ever thought about their first kiss. She could still remember how alive she felt when Kara’s lips touched her own. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel Kara’s hand on her cheek. If she concentrated hard enough, she could still remember the sound of her own heartbeat growing louder and louder.

She was awaken from her dream state when Jess opened the door to her office and walked in.

“Ms Luthor, agent Danvers is here to see you.”

Again, she thought.

“Let her in.” She walked back inside and waited for Alex to come through.

“I promise I am not stalking you.” Alex said, a faint smile on her lips.

“I never thought you were.” Lena replied, smiling back. “Can I offer you something to drink?”

“A water would be nice.”

“Well, that’s a first.” Lena smirked.

“I wasn’t going to ask you a beer, I know you only drink scotch and expensive red wine.”

“I do, but I still have beer.”

“Then a beer will do, thank you.”

Lena walked to her mini-fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer for Alex. She handed it to the older woman, signing for her to sit on the sofa.

“What brings you to L-Corp, Alex?”

Alex smiled. “You, actually.”

“Me? Why is that?” Lena asked, confused.

“I wanted to talk to you about Kara.”

Lena’s heart stopped. “Is she okay?”

“She is.” Alex quickly said. “Don’t worry.”

Lena relaxed visibly, and went back to breathing normally. “What about her, then?”

“She…” Alex trailed off. “I think she’d like to see you.”

“She knows where to find me.” Lena replied, cocking her head to one side.

“I am pretty sure she thinks you hate her.”

“I could never hate her.” Lena commented. “You know that. Hell, _she_ knows that.”

“She’s… Feelings are a bit complicated for her, at the moment.”

“Feelings are always complicated. Hers were pretty clear, though.” Lena said, her voice sure of what she was saying. She looked like she might break down at any moment, but her voice was perfectly hiding what was going on in her heart.

“I know. Can you… Can you please give her a chance to explain things to you?”

Lena nodded. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Once again, Lena was left alone. She opened one of her desk drawers and grabbed the picture frame that she had securely stored there six months earlier. She looked at the two people in the picture, and realized that it felt like looking at two strangers.

It was a picture of her, standing next to Kara. The two of them were smiling brightly and were holding hands. It was the only picture that she had from after she had told Kara how she really felt and before Kara had told her to leave. It was a random shot that Maggie took of the two of them, right after Lena had made Kara laugh. It was real, raw, and too far away.

She felt a warm, single tear rolling down her cheek and quickly wiped it off.

She felt curious about what Kara was going to tell her, what kind of explanation she was going to get after six months of deafening silence.

She thought about the six months that she had spent in Metropolis, about how she would check her phone almost compulsively, only to feel more disappointed as days went on. Every week, she’d receive a text from Alex, asking her how she was doing. She had grown fond on their little chats, not only because they were the last bit of connection that she had to Kara, but also because they made her feel less alone.

She’d ask Alex how her work was going, she’d ask about Maggie, she’d ask about how Kara was doing. Alex would ask her how Metropolis was treating her, about new projects at L-Corp and scotch recommendations for Maggie. They’d talk for a while and then Lena would spend the rest of the week in silence, waiting. If Alex didn’t text her before lunchtime, Lena would do it herself, making sure that Alex didn’t feel somehow obliged to talk to her.

She never found the courage to text Kara, though, realizing that she could know what was going on in her life, without having to fear rejection.

**Kara's notebook, page 1.**

_Alex makes you feel safe. You are not scared when she’s around. She’s your home. She makes you feel like you matter._

_Alex’s hugs are one of your favourite things in the world. They make you feel warm, like when it’s summer and the sun hits your bare skin. When something goes wrong, Alex’s hugs are like a remedy._

_She’s your yellow sun. She gives you strength, constantly reminding you that you can do anything you want._

_You feel proud of her._

_When she’s in danger, you feel like a part of you is missing. Not knowing where she is makes you feel worried, you feel like you can’t breathe._

 

 

 

 


	3. I Will Leave The Light On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sisters?  
> Not in MY universe.

“Hello, Kara.” Lena said, getting up from her chair.

“Hello.” Kara replied, and Lena felt like something was off. Kara’s eyes were… Different. She looked at the blonde walking towards her and realized that Kara was actually different. She was slower that she remembered, dragging her feet as if they weighted a hundred pounds. Her shoulders were down, she looked slack.

“How are you?” Lena asked, walking closer.

“I’m okay.” Kara said. “How about you?”

“Excited to be back.” Lena said.

Kara silently looked at her for a full minute. She the nodded her head. “How was Metropolis?”

“Boring.” Lena admitted. “I like National City a lot better.”

“Yeah…” Kara said, letting her voice trail off.

“Your sister said you needed to talk to me.” Lena said, deciding that small talk wasn’t their thing. Not anymore.

“Yes, I do.” Kara said.

Lena realized what felt off. Kara’s voice was flat, her movements were slow, her eyes looked lifeless.

“Go on, then.”

“A few weeks before you left for Metropolis, I was on a mission as Supergirl. My sister was with me, together with a team from the DEO. There was an alien who was kidnapping other aliens and doing experiments on them, to see how different materials and weapons worked on different species of aliens. When we got there, he was tasting a purple substance on a shapeshifting alien. We managed to defeat him and free the alien. We didn’t realize that the purple substance worked basically like kryptonite, being exposed to it was enough for it to cause damage. We brushed it off because it wasn’t physically hurting me. We took the alien to the DEO with us, to run some tests. Everything looked good, but the alien died. My sister kept interrogating the alien who was conducting the experiments, who said that the purple substance’s effects were unknown to him as well.”

Kara stopped and looked at Lena. The brunette was following the story, never taking her eyes off Kara.

“Turns out it had effects on me as well.” Kara said. “I didn’t die, as you can probably see.”

Lena smiled faintly, still not understanding the point of Kara’s story.

“I slowly, but surely, stopped feeling. I had no other effects, but I lack emotions. I forgot what they feel like. I… I don’t remember any of them.”

Lena looked confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Me neither.” Kara admitted.

“How… How can someone stop feeling?”

“I don’t know.” Kara shrugged. “I just did. I didn’t notice at first, but then my sister almost died and I felt nothing.”

“I… I am so sorry, Kara.” Lena said. “Was it before…”

“No, it was after we talked. I didn’t lie when I told you how I felt.” Kara said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. “I felt it when you kissed me.”

“Okay.” Lena said, nodding her head. “Okay.”

As Lena kept nodding her head, Kara stared at her. She knew that a normal person would have felt something. Worry, maybe. Pain, possibly. Pity? No, pity was a bad feeling.

“You look worried.” Kara commented. “Or in pain, I can’t tell.”

“I thought you couldn’t feel emotions.”

“I can’t. I can still recognize them when I see them. I just don’t experience them.”

“Is that why you told me all those things?”

“Yes.” Kara nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

“It could hurt you.” Kara explained. “I also thought it’d be temporary.”

“You feel nothing and yet you worry about me. How… How are you coping with this?” Lena asked.

“I do not worry, I logically thought it’d hurt, and… I am not.” Kara admitted. “I have no feelings, thus I am not upset about it.”

“I see.” Lena replied. “Do you wish you could get your feelings back?”

“Yes. But I’m assuming it won’t happen any time soon.”

“Why?”

“Because they didn’t find a way to help me in six months, why would they find it now?”

“Because that’s how science works, Kara.” Lena explained. “It takes time. This is… Unknown, I’m sure. If the alien who made the purple substance doesn’t know what effects it could have, the process to find a way to fix its effects is longer than you might think.”

Kara just looked at her.

“I’d like to help whoever is working on this.”

“Why?”

Lena raised an eyebrow. “You know why.”

“Tell me.” Kara said. “Please.”

“Because I love you.” Lena said.

Kara sighed. “You deserve so much. What I can tell right now is that… I know I cared deeply about you.”

“I know.” Lena said, nodding slightly. “I don’t doubt it. Now… We need to find a way for you to care about me again. For you to feel joy when you see potstickers. For you to get scared when your sister is in danger. I want you to enjoy life again. I want you to feel what living is like.”

“Alright.” Kara replied. “Is this causing you pain? Was I right when I thought you’d get hurt?”

“Yes, it is causing me pain. Knowing that you’ve been living an emotionless life for six months hurts me, because you don’t deserve this.” Lena explained. “You know, I remember how you reacted when I first told you that I love you. Telling you know… Well, it felt like talking to a wall.”

“You’ll get used to it, I suppose. Or not.” Kara nodded. “I wanted to give this to you.”

Lena looked at her as she searched through her purse for something. She handed her a black tiny notebook and Lena took it and then went back to looking at Kara. “What is it?”

“When I realized what was going on, I thought it’d be good for me to write down feelings as I remembered them. I know I told you I can’t give you what you need, but this might help.”

**Kara's notebook, page 2.**

_Lena makes you forget to breathe. Her smile makes your legs tremble. Her voice makes your heart race._

_She makes you feel human. She makes you feel like Kara Danvers._

_When you’re with her, everything else seems to disappear._


	4. You'll Be Safe

“Maybe a fresh mind is what our team needed.”

“I suppose.”

“Lena is a genius, Kara.”

“I know. You don’t need emotions to see how intelligent she is.”

Alex laughed lightly. “I wonder how you manage to be funny even when you look dead.”

“I wonder.” Kara commented.

“Killing the vibe already.” Alex sighed. It was the flatness is Kara’s voice that got to her the most.

“She should get here soon.” Kara said.

“Are you nervous?”

“That’s an emotion.” Kara pointed out.

“Right. Is your brain telling you that you should be nervous and are you trying to look like you are?”

“That’s a possibility.” Kara shrugged. “My brain is so used to pretending that I don’t even notice it anymore.”

Soon enough, they were showing Lena the place. Explaining where everything was and letting her meet the people she’d be working with.

“Is the alien who manufactured the substance still here?” She asked once they were done showing her around.

“Yes.” Alex said.

“I’d like to talk to him.”

“Of course.” Alex nodded. “Now?”

“Yes, I want to start working as soon as possible.”

Alex smiled and took her to the alien’s cell. He looked human, much to Lena’s surprise.

“A different one.” He said, looking at her like he wanted to eat her. “And a nice looking one as well.”

“I’ll be around, Marcus.” Alex warned him. “If you even try to bother her, I’ll come here and make you regret everything you said.”

He nodded. “Sure, Danvers. Sorry.”

Lena looked at him. “I’m Lena.” She said, trying to keep her surname out of it.

“Hello. I am Marcus. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“There is, actually.” She said. “I am here because of that purple substance you manufactured.”

“If it’s for blondie who became a robot, I don’t know how to help you.” He commented. “They’ve already asked me a thousand questions.”

Lena nodded. “I just want to know how you made it. What you used and the process you followed to create it.”

“Why?”

“Because you can’t find a cure for something if you don’t know how that something was made in the first place.”

“Ah, you sent me a smart one for once, Danvers!” He said, smiling. His teeth were exceptionally white and pointy. “I like her.”

Alex shook her head. “Just answer the question.”

“You’re no fun.” He replied. “I will, though.”

“Thank you.” Lena said, smiling faintly.

“I have a condition.”

“We’re not back on the conditions, Marcus. You’re going to answer and that’s it.” Alex said, glaring at him.

He shook his head multiple times. “It’s a simple question, I won’t ask you to let me free. I promise.”

“Okay, let’s hear it.” Alex said, with a warning tone.

“Why is a Luthor working to save a Super?”

Both Alex and Lena were taken aback by his question. Lena was silently staring at him, with wide eyes and her mouth open.

“What? You really thought that I wouldn’t recognize a Luthor?” He asked, snickering. “I’m an alien, we all know Luthors. We know what they look like.”

“I don’t see how knowing the answer to that question is in your interest.” Alex commented, walking closer. “I told you not to bother her.”

“It’s okay.” Lena quickly said. “I care about her, that’s why I’m working to find a solution to her situation.”

Marcus’ smile grew wider. “You did bring me a smart one, Danvers. Cheers.”

Alex smiled. “I know.”

Marcus proceeded to tell Lena how he had manufactured the purple substance that they were now calling Purple Kryptonite.

After about twenty minutes of explanation, Lena still looked perplexed.

“I still don’t understand why it doesn’t work like any other kind of kryptonite. Green kryptonite has effects only when it’s next to a kryptonian, while red kryptonite has sort of longer effects, but neither of them have effects that last longer than 24 hours!”

“I don’t know.” He replied. “That’s the problem with purple kryptonite.”

“I’ll be back.” She whispered.

She walked back to the main DEO room with Alex, who looked nervous. “Something’s up with you.”

“My brain is working.” Lena said, shaking her head. “I know I make weird faces.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“What have you tried on Kara?” Lena asked after a while.

“Not much.” Alex admitted. "We ran tests on her, but they were all pointless and led to nothing."

“Have you tried exposing her to her red sun?”

Alex looked confused. “No, we haven’t.”

“Why not?”

“You do know what effects the red sun has on her, right?”

“Yes.” Lena nodded. “It makes her human.”

“What are you thinking, Luthor?”

“Purple kryptonite has no effect on us.” Lena explained.

Alex pursued her lips. “So?”

“It might stop having effects on her as well, if she stays human long enough.”

Alex shook her head. “It might hurt her.”

“It won’t, she’s lived under a red sun for long enough for you to know that.”

“Yes, but she’ lived under a yellow sun for longer! What if her body is not used to it anymore?”

"You've used it on her before!" Lena said. “I’ll talk to her and we’ll see what she has to say. It’s her decision.”

“You’re right.” Alex agreed. “I’ll call her.”

Alex did call Kara and they waited for about five seconds before she was standing in front of them.

“Have you two been fighting?” She asked, looking between them.

“No!” Alex and Lena said.

“Sure. What’s up?” Kara asked.

“I thought about something that might help you.”

“You’ve been here for less than an hour. If whatever you came up with solves this situation, I might have to build you a statue.”

Lena just smiled as Alex shook her head.

“I was thinking that we might somehow expose you to the red sun and make you human for long enough for the purple kryptonite to stop having effects on you.”

“Purple kryptonite, huh?” Kara asked. ”Sounds like a plan.”

“How are we going to expose her to the red sun, though?” Alex asked. 

“I…” Lena stuttered. “My brother manufactured a red sun bed to… To have Superman lose his powers and torture him like a human.”

“You shouldn’t worry about mistakes that your family made.” Kara stated. You are your own person, no matter where you come from. Your brother wanted to murder my cousin and yet, you’re using his devices to help save me.”

 


	5. We've All Made Mistakes

Lena flinched when she saw the DNA detector. The last time she had to use one, was to fulfil her mother’s plan to kill all aliens, just a few hours after finding out about being an actual Luthor. Still, the idea of having Luthor genes, felt like a slap in the face.

“What’s wrong?” Kara asked.

“You might have lost your feelings, but you got pretty damn good at picking up what other people feel like.”

“When you don’t feel anything, you realize that observing others is good to maintain normal relationship.” Kara explained. “Care to answer?”

“Nothing different than normal.” Lena said. “It’s… When I’m faced with anything that needs Luthor DNA I feel sick.”

Kara nodded. “Technically, you are a Luthor. But you’re nothing like them.”

Lena nodded, placing her hand on the DNA detector. The light turned green, revealing a hidden room. They saw the sun bed and Lena walked to it to see if it still worked. When red rays started beaming from its top, she smiled.

“Time to sunbathe, Supergirl.” She said, smiling.

Once again, Kara nodded.

“How long do you think that it’ll take?” Alex asked, watching Kara taking her shoes off and laying down.

“Just to be safe, I’d let her rest there for 24 hours.” Lena explained. “It shouldn’t have long term effects, apart from the Purple Kryptonite ones disappearing completely.”

“We’ll be here, Kara.” Alex said, her voice sounding a bit terrified.

“I’ll come and get you once it’s over, just rest.” Lena said, before walking back to the main area with Alex.

“How are you coping with the whole thing?”

“Well… It’s not exactly what I expected when you told me that Kara was ready to tell me the truth. I thought she was going to tell me that there was somebody else, or that she wasn’t ready for a relationship… I mean, I even thought she’d tell me that she had a damn child.”

“A child?”

“Yes! You came to see me and my brain started making up scenarios. It was hilarious and threatening at the same time.”

“Still, a child?”

“Which of the two options sounds more likely to happen: a secret child or lacking emotions?”

“I guess you have a point there.” Alex laughed. “Still, kryptonians can’t have children on Earth. Not biologically.”

“I didn’t know.” Lena admitted. “My brother’s the one who’s obsessed with kryptonians.”

“Yeah.” Alex smiled. “You’re only obsessed with a krytponian.”

Lena blushed profusely.

“I can’t blame you, though.” Alex said. “I just want her back.”

Lena nodded. “Me too. I’ve missed her so much. How have you been coping with this?”

“I haven’t, actually.” Alex admitted. “I kept telling myself that it was going to be temporary, that everything was going to be okay… And she insisted that she thought the same, which made me feel a bit better.”

“But it wasn’t temporary.”

“No, it wasn’t. At first it was simply her not being her usual quirky self, but then… She yelled at you for nothing, forced you to leave, lied to you and that was really weird. Then my accident happened and… She was unfazed by it. I almost died and it looked like a normal day for Kara.”

“That must have been terrible.” Lena commented.

“Yes. Like, the moment she realized what had happened and that she was completely numb about it… It was horrible. Because, in the end, she didn’t cry. She didn’t look upset. She wasn’t angry.”

“I really hope that this works.” Lena said, after a while “Kara doesn’t deserve to lead this kind of life. She deserves so much…”

Alex stared at her. “She loves you dearly. Doesn’t matter if she can’t feel it at the moment, but she does. I still remember the night she told me. She was so nervous I thought she was going to vomit. She wasn’t nervous about being in love with a woman, she was nervous about being in love. In actual, pure, love. She looked dizzy when she started talking, a huge smile on her face, her hands never stopped moving. Her voice was shaking as she explained how excited she was, how you made her realize what flying actually felt like… It was beautiful to watch.”

Lena’s eyes were burning and she felt like she was going to cry at any given moment. “Thank you, Alex. It means the world to me. Do you know what she told me once? That she had lived eleven years without a sister, never thinking that she needed one. She said it took her about three months with you to realize life meant nothing without you in it.”

 

 


	6. You'll Be Robbed From Us

“Kara.” Lena whispered. “Kara, wake up.”

Kara’s eyes fluttered open and she stared at Lena for a full minute before remembering what was happening. The brunette opened the top part of the sun bed, allowing Kara to sit up.

“Did it work?” Kara asked, her voice still hoarse from sleep.

“You’re the only one who knows the answer, darling.” Lena said, her voice soft like a cloud.

“Right.” Kara said, slowly sitting up. “How long do you feel it’ll take for my powers to come back?”

“Not too long.” Lena replied. “I suppose a few moments of yellow sun should suffice.”

Kara nodded. “Thank you, Lena.”

“Of course.”

“I mean it.” Kara insisted. “For everything. You worked to save me even if I pushed you away.”

“This might not work.”

“Still. You tried.” Kara said. “I need to ask you something.”

“Sure. Go ahead.”

“Are you still in love with me?” Kara asked, looking as serious as ever.

Lena’s eyes widened. “Yes.”

“Can I kiss you?” Kara asked.

Lena nodded and looked at Kara walking towards her. She felt like everything was happening in slow motion, having waited six months for a kiss to happen again.

The moment their lips touched, it felt exactly like the first time for Lena. She still remembered the cold night National City air on her L-Corp balcony, the way Kara’s hands had felt on her skin.

She felt a tear escaping her right eye and rolling down her cheek, making Kara pull away.

“Are you okay?” The blonde asked.

“I am, I am.” Lena said. “I love you so much, Kara.”

There was a weird silence between the two of them and Lena was the one to break it.

“Did… Did you feel anything at all?” She asked, her voice shaking in fear.

“I did.” Kara said.

“Really?” Lena asked, now sobbing.

“Not what I expected to feel, but I did feel something.” Kara explained. “It was… Almost like a flutter in my chest.”

“That’s okay.” Lena said, positively relieved. “You felt something.”

Kara nodded. “We’ll see what happens in the next few days.”

“You look kind of disappointed.” Lena said.

“I am not disappointed.” Kara stated. “Let’s just say that I was expecting a bit more. I had imagined be waking up and a rush of emotions hitting me like a truck, for no apparent reason. Like, I didn’t expect emotions to come back because of something else happening.”

“You thought they’d simply come back? Out of the blue?”

“Kinda.” Kara admitted, looking at the ground.

“That would have been terrifying.” Lena smiled. “You would have gone through every single emotion in like twenty seconds. It would have probably killed you.”

The days after Kara’s red sun treatment were weird. People kept asking her questions and she kept trying to do things that would normally make her experience different emotions.

She realized soon enough that her feelings were coming back. Not the way she expected them too, but they were coming back. She was afraid she might get stuck on a life of close to no feelings, but it was better than before the treatment.

From week 2, she started smiling more often. Well, she started smiling because she felt like it and not because her brain told her to.

From week 3, she started feeling weird whenever her sister would go on missions without her. She wasn’t feeling scared yet, but she wasn’t feeling numb either.

From week 4, she started feeling a faint pride whenever she saved someone. Seeing the relief on someone’s face made her feel good.

From week 5, she stopped avoiding any feeling related talk. She started opening up more, actually contributing to conversations and saying what she was actually feeling.

Having Lena next to her was a huge help. The young CEO was doing everything in her power to remind Kara what feeling felt like. They talked a lot and Lena kept asking her to describe every single small flutter that Kara perceived in her chest.

Most things felt pointless to Kara, but she realized soon enough that they meant the world to Lena. Seeing how hopeful Lena would get anytime Kara talked to her about feelings made the blonde find a will to fight.

“So, a potsticker made me smile today.”

“That’s great.” Lena commented, taking a sip of her wine. “And you seem to care more about things.”

“What do you mean?” Kara asked.

“You make facial expressions. You don’t sound like a broken robot anymore. You ask questions and your tone changes when you do. You say stuff and I can tell that it matters. You’re not talking just because you think that it’s something that you’re supposed to do.”

“That’s accurate.” Kara commented. “And I guess that if it’s something that you noticed, it’s actually true. Also, my sister told me the same thing the other day.”

“You’re making progress.” Lena said, a huge smile on her face. “I am proud of you.”

“Having you and my sister by my side kind of makes me want to get better.”

Lena frowned. “As much as I’m happy to hear you saying this… I think you should do it for yourself first.”

“I am.” Kara stated. “Let’s say that you two are kind of the push that I needed.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: was Lena's treatment succesfull or were the results only temporary?


	7. Guiding Like a Lighthouse

“How are you feeling?” Alex asked.

“Numb.” Kara admitted. “It’s weird.”

“You’ve made progress.” Alex pointed out.

“It’s been six weeks and I’m still not back to normal.”

“This might be your new normal.”

“Going from feeling just a little, which makes me even more confused than before, to feeling nothing at all just because my body feels like it?” Kara asked, her voice flat.

Alex closed her eyes. She had hoped for Lena’s treatment to work. She desperately wanted Kara to go back to her old self. She needed the flatness in her sister’s voice to disappear completely. But her sister wasn’t back.

“I am a lunatic who goes from bland feelings to nothing in the blink of an eye.” Kara said. “I might as well lose my feelings completely.”

“Does Lena know?”

“Of course not.” Kara replied. “I am back to lying to her.”

“That’s not okay.”

“Knowing the truth might break her and I can’t do that to her.”

“She might think of something else.”

“One minute ago you said that this might be my new normal.”

“She’s going to realize that you’re lying.” Alex commented. “Again.”

“She’ll wrap her head around it, just like I did.”

Alex pursued her lips. “She’ll be mad at you, just like I would be if you lied to me.”

“She’s not you.”

“Thankfully for you she’s not me.” Alex replied, her voice getting slightly louder.

Kara shrugged before walking away. She didn’t have time to fight, she didn’t have enough feelings to fight. It was almost as if she didn’t care.

Lena went to bed pretty late that night. She had taken a long shower the moment she had gotten home from work and had wanted to finish a book that she was reading.

She fell asleep still holding it in her hands and was awaken in the middle of the night by her phone buzzing like crazy on her nightstand. She took her glasses off and decided to ignore her phone. She scratched her eyes and turned to her side. Her phone buzzed again, and again and then again.

She sighed and grabbed her phone, groaning. She was surprised to see that Kara was the reason why she was awake.

The blonde had sent her sixteen texts and Lena started panicking.

 

 

**Lena, I need you.**

**I have a huge problem/an issue that’s going to make you mad at me.**

**Please don’t be mad.**

**Im having trouble with feelings and I am in physical pain tonight**

**I think Im feeling too much and Im going to be sick**

**Please help**

**I lied and told you that feeling r coming back, but I lied and theyre not coming back I only feel stuff sometimes and them im back to numbness**

**Do u remember when I told you that I imagined that my feelings would all come back like atruck hitting me? Its happening now and Im dying lena**

**Ive never felt like this befre its almost like I cant breathe**

**I dont know what do to I am not used to pain I cant**

**This is werid and unfair I cant move**

**Lena helo me**

**What d I do**

**I cant breathe I cant move I cant do anythng**

**I am dying here and I wont even get to sya goodbye to everyone I cant die now**

**I hve loved you lena I just cant breathe**

Lena grabbed her coat and purse and ran to the garage. She drove like a maniac to Kara’s apartment, trying desperately to reach her, but the blonde wouldn’t pick up her phone. She called Alex when she was almost at Kara’s apartment and, thankfully, she picked up.

“Luthor, it’s four a.m.”

“Alex, something’s wrong with Kara.” Lena almost yelled into her phone. “I’m on my way to her apartment right now.”

“I’ll be there in a sec.” Alex said, before hanging up.

Lena got to Kara’s apartment and started ringing the bell. Soon enough, she realized that if Kara hadn’t found enough strength to pick up her phone, she most definitely wasn’t going to be able to open the door for her.

She gathered all her strength and kicked the door. Once, twice, then a third time. She managed to get in and found Kara on the floor, with her eyes wide open, contorting in pain.

“Kara, I’m here.” The brunette said, rushing by her side. “Your sister is on her way.”

She kneeled next to her, unsure of what to do. “What’s happening?”

“Feelings.” Kara chocked out. “Feeling too much. At-at the same time.”

“Okay, take a deep breath.” Lena instructed. “You need to breathe slowly, like the pregnant women you make fun of in movies.”

Kara was trying to breathe, but she felt like her lungs were on fire. “Can’t.”

“You need to concentrate on one feeling. Think about one feeling, talk to yourself about how you described it on your notebook and think about that. Only that.”

Kara was desperately trying to think, to remember her own words, but the pain was too strong. Lena got up and ran to where she had thrown her purse.

“I’ll guide you through it.” She said, grabbing the notebook from her purse. “I have it with me all the time.”

Kara was trying to sit up, but her body was too weak. She almost felt like she was going to throw up, and, at the same time, she felt like she was completely and utterly empty inside.

“Choose an emotion.” Lena said.

“Love.” Kara replied, quickly.

“Cliché.” Lena smiled.

“Love is what you feel for people you care about. Important people, family, friends, lovers.” Lena began, her voice soft. Kara repeated what she heard Lena saying, trying not to think about anything else. “Alex, Lena, Winn, James, J’onn, Eliza, are all people that you love. Different types of love exist: the love you feel for Alex makes you feel safe, at home. It makes you feel protected and like you have nothing to worry about. The love you have for Lena makes you feel fearless, stronger, normal. It makes you feel like you belong, it makes you feel human even if you’re not.”

As Lena spoke, she listened for Kara’s breathing. She looked at her every couple of words to see if the pain was stopping, or if it was getting worse.

 

 

 


	8. Just Come Home

Kara was asleep on her bed when Alex got to her apartment.

Lena was sitting next to a snoring Kara, stroking her hair with slow, gentle movements.

“What happened?” Alex asked, walking closer. “Did the door explode?”

“I kicked it down.” Lena whispered. “Kara was in pain.”

“Kara can’t be in pain.”

“She was, though. She texted me saying that she was feeling everything at once and that it was physically painful. When I got here I found her on the floor, contorting, she looked like she was about to implode.” Lena explained. “I found a way to stop her from being in pain and managed to convince her to go back to sleep.”

“Thank you.” Alex whispered. “I’m staying, though.”

“Yeah, me too.” Lena agreed.

They walked together to Kara’s kitchen and poured themselves a glass of scotch each. Kara had learned to keep a bottle for the two of them.

“What should we do about the door?” Lena asked.

“Right.” Alex smiled. “I had forgotten about that.”

“I am going to get her a new door, but I don’t feel exactly safe with nothing there during the night.”

“We’ll be okay.” Alex assured her. “I have a gun and we have Kara.”

Lena downed her glass and nodded quickly.

Morning came sooner rather than later and Alex was forced to leave.

“I’ll text you when she wakes up.” Lena told her as she grabbed her stuff to go to the DEO.

“Thanks, I’ll talk to you later.” Alex said. “Keep me posted.”

Lena went back to Kara’s kitchen and waited for the blonde to wake up. She figured that all the pain she’d felt the night before had exhausted Kara, who was going to need a longer rest.

When she heard Kara starting to stir in her bed, she quickly walked closer to her, wanting to be by her side.

“What happened?” Kara asked, before opening her eyes.

“You… You were feeling everything at once and almost imploded.” Lena explained.

“That I remember. I meant after that.”

“You fell asleep and your sister and I watched you sleep all night long.”

“Creepers.” Kara whispered as she opened her eyes.

“We’re worried.” Lena said, her tone almost scaring Kara. “This… Whatever is happening to you is not normal. You weren’t supposed to react this way to the red sun. Last night’s events could have killed you.”

“I am made of steel, Lena.”

Lena looked at her in silence. She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t stop thinking about Kara’s body contorting in pain on the floor when she had entered her apartment. She couldn’t stop thinking about Kara’s muscles tensing as emotions went through her body. She couldn’t stop thinking about Kara’s voice cracking in agony.

“Last night it looked like you were made of paper.” Lena whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek. “I thought you’d die, right there. I thought my treatment had killed you. I thought you’d die without even saying goodbye to your sister. I thought you’d die after being tortured for hours because of me.”

It was Kara’s turn to feel speechless. In silence, she stared at Lena who started to shake and sob uncontrollably.

Her world slowed down.

For a moment, she felt nothing. She thought about those first numb days months before that day, when she realized that nothing brought her joy anymore. When she stopped getting frustrated at Carr, when she stopped getting nervous when Alex would go on missions without her, when she stopped missing Lena. When emotions slowly disappeared from her life, and she had to embrace a grey life.

She thought about the first sentences she’d shared on her notebook and about how she’d shake her head thinking about how pointless her words were. She thought about the times she’d heard Alex talk to Maggie about her. She thought about the night she’d yelled at Lena to go away. She thought about Carr being disappointed in her work and not being sad about it.

She stared at Lena who was staring back. The green in her eyes was so deep and alive that it made Kara shiver.


	9. Lately You've Been Searching for a Darker Place

“Why are you so afraid?” Alex asked, before grabbing her coffee mug.

“I am not afraid.”

“Kara, you do realize that there’s no point in lying to me, right?”

“I am not lying. I am not afraid.” Kara insisted. “I am sure that something is going to go wrong.”

“Something like what?”

“What if I tell Lena that I love her and then I stop?” Kara whispered. “Again?”

Alex sighed. “What if it doesn’t happen and you spend the rest of your life happily together?”

“And what if I break her heart again and don’t feel enough to even feel bad for hurting her, again?” Kara asked.

“You can’t live like this.”

“And neither can Lena.”

“You know, Lena knows what she’s doing. She helped you, even if she wasn’t sure she’d ever get you back to how you were before the incident. She spent time with you, knowing that it would make her feel all that love again, but she did it anyways, didn’t she? She was most likely terrified of losing you again, but I’m pretty sure that the possibility of having you back was what kept her going.”

Kara shrugged. “Lena’s always been kind of a masochist.”

“I mean,” Alex laughed. “She has, but just talk to her.”

“What should I tell her?”

“What you’ve told me.” Alex replied. “That at the moment you can recognize your feelings, that you believe to be back to normal, but that you are aware that what happened last time might happen again.”

“And you believe she’ll be okay with it.”

“I’m pretty sure she already knows the possibility of it happening again.” Alex commented. “I mean, what happened to you was something we’ve never dealt with before. It was astonishing and we still don’t know what the results might be. We still don’t know if the crisis you had the other night was a one-time thing or if it’s going to happen again. We still don’t know if feelings are going to come and go for the rest of your life.”

“The things that bothers me the most is that she is so stubborn and she won’t leave me.”

“That’s not a bad thing, you know.”

“It is when I’m worried sick that this might ruin her life.”

“Not being with her might ruin your, though.”


	10. Don't Let Go

“I’m being pragmatic.” Kara began. “I’m pulling an Alex Danvers, this time. I’m not wasting any more time on what if’s.”

Lena nodded. “That sounds like a plan.”

Kara took a deep breath, and closed her eyes for a second. “I do love you.”

Lena smiled at Kara’s words. “I love you too.”

“But I am afraid it might change. I’m scared I might stop and not even realize it, just like it happened last time.” Kara explained, finally opening her eyes.

Lena took Kara’s hand in hers. “The thing with feelings is that they change. I am not going to promise you that I’ll love you forever, and I don’t expect _you_ to love _me_ forever. I am not going to ask you to be certain that your feelings for me won’t ever change, because the future is uncertain, and we can’t know what it’ll bring us in a year, or even in a week. What I can promise you is that I love you, like I’ve never loved anyone before. I can tell you that, in this precise moment, I am in love with you. I look at you and see my home, my freedom, my clarity.”

“So, no forever’s.” Kara commented. “We live in the moment.”

“I do hope to be with you forever, Kara.”

“Honestly? Me too.” Kara said, grinning. “Sometimes I’m afraid I might go back to being that emotionless shell that I was a few weeks ago and I can’t fathom the idea of hurting you the way my lack of emotions did.”

Lena smiled at her. “That’s a good sign. I am accepting the risk. I know it might happen, I know you might suddenly stop having feelings again, but I’ll be prepared. I’ll know what to do. I’ll know why it’s happening.”

“I feel so much lighter now.” Kara whispered. “I mean, I know you were aware of my feelings for you, but… I feel like I am aware of them now as well. I’ve had these feelings for quite a bit of time, and they were simply frozen when I stopped feeling. The moment my emotions came back, it… It sort of hit me like a truck. You know, butterflies in the stomach and all that jazz. It was amazingly scary.”

“I can only imagine what it felt like to not have any kind of emotion for months and then, suddenly, gain them all back in one moment.”

“It’s really weird.” Kara admitted. “But comforting as well. You know, I had all these ideas about what I should have felt like and I just… Didn’t. I thought I was broken. Living a grey life just isn’t my thing. I need colours, and I had somehow forgot what they looked like.”

“It was painful to see you when I came back. You know, when you told me to go back to Metropolis you looked so… Angry. I didn’t even realize that you were a completely different person. Then I came back here and the moment I saw you, I… I just knew. I knew that something was wrong. I couldn’t understand what exactly, but I knew that you weren’t you.” Lena took a deep breath. “I just hope you won’t have to go through that ever again but, if you ever do, just know that I’ll be by your side. Always and forever.”

**Kara's notebook, page 536.**

_At that time, I had no way of knowing that she was saying the truth. How could I? I was young and trusted her, I gave her everything I had. Confided in her when nobody else understood, talked to her when nobody else listened, loved her when nobody else seemed enough._

_I am the one with superpowers, I have super-strength, I can fly, I have freeze breath, but… She’s my hero. She has saved me from a life without colours and I’ll never stop thanking her for that._

_When Lena and I met, she was twenty-four. A young CEO, a woman trying to redeem her family’s company, trying to be the good Luthor. She was young, but determined. Beautiful and cunning, intelligent and absurdly funny._

_When we got together, she was scared. I know she was. And I was scared as well, scared I’d hurt her, scared I’d love her too much._

_When I asked her to marry me, she cried. She cried so hard she couldn’t even say yes, she simply nodded and smiled at me. I can never bring myself to explain how happy I felt in that moment, holding the love of my life close to my chest, knowing I’d get to spend the rest of my life by her side._

_On the day of our wedding, Lena wore a puffy white dress. She looked like a princess, and I was left speechless. She did promise to love me forever then, and I knew I could trust her with my life._

_I wouldn’t recommend pregnant Lena to the worst of my enemies: she was a nightmare. She was growing our first child inside her, so I managed to get through every bitter word she spat at me. The moment we both heard our daughter cry out for the first time changed us forever. I was foolish enough to believe I’d never love anyone the way I love Lena, then I became a mum._

_We named her Lennon Elle Danvers-Luthor._

_Even though pregnant Lena was a nightmare, mum Lena was a dream. We were worried all the time, scared that the world might hurt our precious little girl. I can still remember the days where I’d bring Lennon to L-Corp with me to surprise Lena while she was working and how she yelled at me the first time I actually flew to her balcony with our daughter in my arms._

_There is only one small detail we didn’t think of when talking about spending the rest of our lives together._

_What was it, you might ask._

_The fact that I age a lot slower than normal, which means that I had to watch my wife grow old as I looked probably younger than my own daughter. I had a lot of time to come to terms with watching everyone I love grow old and, eventually, die._

_Lena and I got to be happy. We got to be together. We got to share our lives. We had a beautiful daughter. We shared every moment of our lives. We cried together, we laughed together._

_Lena did end up spending her forever with me._

_And let me tell you something. Her eyes never stopped having that spark that I fell in love with, not even when her face was covered in wrinkles and even getting up from the sofa was tiring._

_She was still the most beautiful person in the whole world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all guys for following me on this amazing journey!


End file.
